When Should You Start Disciplining?

By Kathryn Perrotti Leavitt            

 A Necessary Action 

Whenever my 1-year-old son, Luke, is near rocks, he likes to shovel them into his mouth. And when he sees our cat, he likes to lunge, even though the cat likes to swipe and hiss.

These kinds of moments make up any given day, and figuring out how to shield my son from harm without breaking his spirit usually leaves me totally confused. In my humble experience, getting a toddler to stop eating rocks is easier said than done.

At this tender age, traditional discipline, such as time-out, doesn't work. But what does, and at what age is it appropriate to try which tactics? As you may have guessed, it's as necessary for parents to learn how to discipline properly as it is for children to learn that some behaviors are unsafe or just socially inappropriate.

Ultimately, it's a long process, but when it's done well, it will be a positive experience that will help your child.

The Birth of Discipline

Setting limits, reinforcing good behavior, and discouraging less-desirable behavior can start when your child is a young baby, according to experts. "There are things that even young babies have to learn not to do, such as pulling your hair," says Judith Myers-Walls, PhD, associate professor of child development and family studies at Purdue University in Lafayette, Indiana.

Because little babies have limited language comprehension, memory, and attention spans, the best strategies to employ early on are more about damage control than about teaching an actual lesson. Distracting (helping him move from a not-so-good activity to something better) and ignoring (just what the name implies) are two very effective strategies. If, for example, your 4-month-old discovers how much fun it is to yank your hair, you might gently remove her hand, give it a kiss, and redirect it toward something fun and appropriate, such as a rattle or other toy.

Of course, you never want to ignore a behavior that's potentially dangerous, but looking the other way when your 7-month-old cheerfully pelts his 59th Cheerio from his high chair is a smart move. It's essential to remember that very young children are utterly guileless; your Cheerio pitcher isn't trying to annoy you. He's learning how to control his hands and beginning to understand the concept of cause and effect. As annoying as this behavior is, it's important not to get upset or overreact.

In fact, a recent study found that 39 percent of parents think that their baby is taunting them when he continually changes channels on the remote. Many parents become frustrated when a child engages in such behaviors, says Nancy Samalin, author of Loving Without Spoiling (McGraw-Hill/Contemporary Books, 2003). Your best bet is to maintain a calm demeanor and carry on with what you were doing.

8 to 12 Months

When your baby starts to crawl, around the 8-month mark, it's time to think about setting limits. Suddenly everything -- from the knickknacks on your side table to those rolls of toilet paper under the bathroom sink -- are big no-nos.

A child this age only wants to explore (he has no concept of what he should or shouldn't do), so if you don't want him to touch something, place it out of his reach through childproofing and let child-friendly items take center stage. Experts say this is the best way to help your child stay out of trouble and makes it a lot easier to follow the rules.

Of course, many of us merely say no when we catch our little ones getting into mischief. Unfortunately, it's not a reliable discipline method for kids this age. Your child can comprehend by the tone of your voice that "no" means something different from "I love you," but she doesn't understand the real meaning of the word. Furthermore, she doesn't have the self-control to heed your request.

Use other techniques to reinforce the lesson that some things are off-limits, as Cristina Soto of New York City does. "Starting at around 8 or 9 months, every time my daughter Sonia got near an outlet, I'd say 'Aah aaah!' in a playfully scary voice so she'd stop and look at me," says Soto. "I kept doing it. After a while she'd cruise over to an outlet, point, and say, 'Aah aaah!' to me."

12 to 24 Months

Around this age, your child's communication skills are blossoming, so you can start explaining basic rules -- don't pull kitty's tail -- for example. You can also begin using the word no judiciously, in serious situations. Too many could wear out the word and eventually render it completely useless.

Your child's physical skills are coming into full play, too. Your new little walker will likely be thrilled with his freshly minted independence -- and frustrated that he can't do all the things he'd like.

Enter the age of tantrums. While tantrums require a quick response from you, these emotional thunderstorms are a part of growing up and not a cue for harsher discipline techniques, such as taking away a privilege or sending a child to his room.

When tantrums strike, "you need to know your own child," says Claire Lerner, a child development specialist at Zero to Three. Some kids calm down quickly through distraction; others need a hug. But if a tantrum is lengthy, remove your child from the situation and gently explain what's going on ("We can't stay in the store if you continue screaming") until he calms down.

Frustration that stems from your toddler's inability to communicate effectively can lead to hitting or biting, too. Disciplining such scenarios involves telling your child what not to do quickly and simply and redirecting him toward an appropriate activity. For example, if your child hits you because you've interrupted his play for a diaper change, say, "We don't hit, it hurts," and give him a toy he can play with while you diaper him.

24 to 36 Months

The two-year mark ushers in twos' programs, preschool, and play dates, which are great for your child's socialization skills but also present a new set of discipline problems. Sharing -- toys, time, and attention -- is difficult at this age. What complicates matters further is that folks (and kids!) outside your family may end up in the path of a toy-snatching toddler who happens to belong to you.

Toddlers understand easy commands, empathy, and cause and effect, so you can now employ these concepts when you discipline. If your child grabs a crayon from his friend, for example, you can say, "We don't grab toys. Taking Billy's crayon hurts his feelings," and then give him a similar crayon to play with.

A key to disciplining toddlers and preschoolers is to keep things very simple. According to a study conducted by Susan G. O'Leary, PhD, professor of psychology at The State University of New York at Stony Brook, those moms with long reprimands were less effective than those with short and direct ones.

Susan Simmons of South Riding, Virginia, the mother of 2-1/2-year-old Mia, agrees. "When Mia hit 2, I started giving her long explanations as to why she couldn't do something, but I realized she didn't understand. Now when she wants to have an ice pop before dinner, I just say 'You can't have one now,' and leave it at that."

Using Time-Outs

Kids between the ages of 24 to 36 months are also ready for you to try using time-outs. Time-out works like this: When your child misbehaves, for every year of his age, he gets one minute to sit quietly in a chair or in his room to calm himself down (for example, a 3-year-old gets three minutes). He gets up when you say time-out is over.

Of course, every child is different, and no one discipline method will work all the time. But the more practice you get doling it out and the more your child understands boundaries, the happier everyone will be.

Kathryn Perrotti Leavitt, a mother of one, is a freelance writer based in Boulder, Colorado.

Originally published in American Baby magazine, November 2004. 

What's Behind the "Terrible Twos"

By the editors of Child magazine

Despite their reputation, toddlers usually exhibit only sporadic periods of difficulty. We explain what causes the outbursts.

Although you have probably heard of the "terrible twos," there are, in fact, only intermittent periods of difficulty. The interval between 18 and 21 months often brings temper tantrums and defiance, but these behaviors usually subside by the second birthday. Then, starting at roughly 2 1/2, your child may enter a period of extremes. Some days, she'll be sunny and helpful. At other times, temper tantrums, whining, and defiance will prevail. The situation usually worsens with fatigue or a change in your child's daily or nightly routine.

What's behind these dramatic mood swings? Most outbursts result from sheer frustration. Increasingly, your 2-year-old feels a powerful need to be independent. But in most situations, she's unable to control her environment or be self-reliant, and she lacks the reasoning ability to come to terms with the situation.

After all, why should she have to go to bed when you tell her to? She can't yet understand most cause-and-effect relationships, such as the fact that a lack of sleep will make her tired.
Your 2-year-old doesn't win high marks for keeping her feelings in check, either. She truly is an open book, and that is part of her charm. Is she happy? Everyone around her will know it as she spreads good cheer. Is she less than pleased? That's plain to those witnessing tears or a tantrum. At this stage, though progressing in the right direction, she still lacks mastery over her emotions.

Instead of viewing a 2-year-old as "terrible," then, rejoice in the fact that all the frenetic energy, defiance, and self-preoccupation that come at this age are part of normal, healthy development. Arm yourself with the tools of the toddler-parenting trade: a well-developed sense of humor, patience, an abundance of love and reassurance, firmness as needed, and, above all, consistency. And remember, the most effective way a toddler learns rules is by breaking them, so her attempts to defy you can actually afford you many opportunities to teach. The best lesson you can impart at these times is to help your child understand that her actions have consequences, that she can be effective in her behavior. Have patience and be consistent, and soon she'll come to differentiate the good consequences from the bad.

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Terrible Twos - Toddler Tantrums

article by
Valerie Powers
from the Orlando Early Childhood Parenting Examiner

Recently, a celebrity likened having a toddler, to being around a "miniature drunk," all of the time. He was spot on with that assessment, because it is true. Irrational, clingy, boisterous, irresponsible and stumbling into things; this describes toddlerhood. 24/7. You can also expect odd behaviors such as undressing, undiapering (ick!), yelling, hitting...the list of naughtiness really is limitless. Sometimes it's funny, and sometimes it's stressful. How you cope with this time, well, that's another thing.
Parents should know that the dreaded "terrible twos" are actually completely normal developmentally, for your child. Dr. Greene, a renowned pediatrician, says that children at this age are still learning to make appropriate choices. And by limiting some of their options; you will curb some (not all) of their tantrums. Frequently, these outbursts of unruly behavior are caused by your toddler's inability to articulate themselves; they grow frustrated and react boldly.
Something to keep in mind, is that this "terrible" time can extend into age three (or it can commence before age two). Here are some tips for curtailing tantrums and unruly behavior:

• Set a routine each day, and stick to it - this gives your toddler some normalcy
• Limit sugary snacks and offer up healthy foods to keep blood sugar regulated
• Offer limited choices for each quandary; this eliminates some arguing
• Set limits, and be prepared to offer up consequences when these limits are pushed (such as implementing a time-out or toy removal policy)
• Toddler-proof your environment to avoid scuffles

Now is the time to really connect with your little one and focus on building communication skills. Some folks insist that Baby Sign Language, is the key to building your child's vocabulary, emotional and intellectual development. Additionally, proponents of Baby Sign Language tout the benefits of BSL helping to eliminate tantrums; it is said that the improved communication between parent/baby will enhance relationships.
If you find yourself in the throes of a tantrum, experts recommend that you remain calm. Refrain from yelling and getting visibly upset. It is said parents should be consistent with their reactions to their toddler's tantrums and behavior; this helps calm your toddler down. For those of you coping with a toddler that was born prematurely; know that your wee one will still go through this phase at some point - it will just probably be delayed depending upon your child's corrected age.

Parents should go easy on their toddler during this tumultuous time; remember that your wee one is mastering skills such as: coordination, eating independently, dressing, potty-training and more. That is a lot for a little person to cope with, so be patient.
Be sure to give yourself a break - and your toddler, too. Send your child to visit grandparents for the weekend, and take the time to relax and get rejuvenated. Toddlers also crave a change of pace and scenery, so an occasional break for each of you is definitely a healthy bet. And remember: toddlerhood is just a stage of development, so embrace the goodness that comes along with it, too...before it's long gone!


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