Parenting - Daily Struggle

I struggle daily on whether or not I am being a good parent and whether or not I am raising my children to be strong individuals. It is so hard to stay in control when your children are challenging your sanity. I am listening to an audio series called Scream Free Parenting by Hal Runkel, LMFT. It teaches you to begin with your self and get yourself in the right place. If you have issues handle them first before handling the behavior issues you wish to address with your child. I have trouble with this because I feel like I am being selfish if I take time to be by myself or do things for myself. I believe a lot of moms feel this way. We feel like if we are not always there for our families then we are not doing our job.

I often find myself trying to keep my cool and not lash out on my kids. Especially at night. We have a nightly routine. We get in jammies, we brush our teeth, we have mellow time for a little while, then we read books and then it is bedtime. Bedtime is a horrible experience every night. My kids cry and say they don't love me and I am so mean to them and I do not let them do anything. They'll say things like I do not love them and stuff and then it is crying for quite along time. Mainly my six year old. My three year old it is only for a few minutes and then he stays in his bed. But my six year old she will throw things,cry really loud and hurt herself. I feel bad for my son because he has to listen to her. Last night I let him sleep on the couch and that made her even more mad.

When they are saying these things and throwing fits. I just want to freak out on them right back. It is really hard to walk away from them. I have found myself saying You think I do not do anything for you? I can show you how I do not do anything for you? Or I can show you how I do not allow you to do anything?

I do not believe that is helpful but sometimes it is really hard to control your emotions and reactions.

I get scared sometimes that I am about to have three soon. My husband and I work opposite shifts so he is not home at night , 6 nights a week. So I feel like I am going to have it in for me soon when I have three crying at bedtime.

I know this is not much of an advice post but maybe more of a venting post.