Sibling Rivalry: Some Solutions

http://www.handinhandparenting.org
by Patty Wipfler

Raising one child is challenging in our fast-paced and adult-oriented society. Raising more than one child brings added joys, and often, difficult feelings that start with the older child and eventually infect the younger child too. 

Those feelings can be lifted by a few important strategies which, employed early and

often, can clear the way for rich, playful, and loving relationships between children. Since these strategies are not the typical, "Don't do that or I'll send you to your room" approach, they are challenging to use. But the results they bring over time are deeply rewarding.

Preparation for a brother or sister

Every child has longings for more time and more closeness with their parents! These longings are a big part of why it's hard to want to go to bed at night, hard to get dressed to go to day care or to Grandma's, and why it can even be upsetting to see Mommy or Daddy cuddling or talking on the telephone! Every child needs a chance to air his feelings about wanting more, indeed, about wanting all your time and attention.

A good way to help your child has two seemingly opposite steps. The first is to offer him Special Time during which you pour on your attention, your approval, and your closeness. You allow your child to choose what play he wants to do with you. 

You can start Special Time by saying expectantly, “OK, we have fifteen minutes, and I'll play with you any way you want to!” with a lively tone. Then, keep your attention focused on your child. Let the phone ring, and postpone your need to get a cup of tea during this time. 

It's surprisingly hard to do for us—because parenting is stressful, we almost always try to teach, try to direct, or try to get little jobs done while we're playing with our children! What Special Time does is to help your child, and you, too, notice that you are paying loving attention and letting him make decisions for awhile.

The second important step is to notice when your child longs for exclusive closeness with you. Is it when new people are around? Is it when you both arrive at day care or at the grandparents' house? Is it at bedtime, with pleas for story after story to keep you close?

When a child feels upset about a possible separation, however minor it may be, his feelings of needing you are ready to be released. He needs the reassurance that you love him and the chance to cry as long as possible to drain the reservoir of sadness about you going. 

He can best do that with you close, telling him: “I'm going to leave, but I'll come back. I'll always come back to you.” Or, in the case of bedtime: “You're safe here. I'll be in the next room, and I'll see you in the morning.” (See our article: "Healing the Hurt of Separation") If your child feels safe enough, he or she will cry, and the listening you do will help heal that feeling of never having enough of you.

These two steps, repeated over time, help prepare a child for the challenge of a sibling's demands on your attention.

Playfully reassure the older child

After a new sibling has arrived, an older child's feelings will be both large with love and wonder, and tight with upset about his sibling's intrusion into his relationship and time with you. One of the more fruitful ways to handle this is to find a way to play "I want you!" with your older child as often as possible.

"I want you" games come in a hundred variations. You could begin by getting down on the floor and announcing, “I have a hundred kisses for you! Where shall I start?!” and crawling awkwardly toward your child. You can make great efforts to get him and cuddle him, and then he can wriggle away and dance just out of reach, laughing while you try to deliver your kisses. 

Or play can be set up with both parents, one parent playfully pulling the child toward her and saying, “I want to play with Sam!” and the other pulling him back and saying, “No, you can't have him! I haven't had enough of him yet today!” If this playful tug-of-war brings laughter, keep playing! It fills up a child's hunger for attention and importance.

Another "I want you" game is to announce, “Where's Sam!? I have to find Sam! I'm lonesome for Sam!” and to search all around (even though Sam is in plain sight) until you discover him and scoop him up in your arms for lots of cuddles. Holding your older child like a baby, and appreciating his fingers, toes, perfect ears, and beautiful eyes is another kind of sweet play that reassures a child that his uniqueness hasn't been forgotten.

The laughter your child does while you playfully show that you can't live without him heals some of the hurt of seeing you attending the other child so often and so lovingly. And it gives you a delightful way to openly appreciate your older child.

Special Time will also help you center your attention on your older child at regular intervals during the week, helping both him and you to plump up your relationship and remember the love you have for each other.

Notice what goes well

Brothers and sisters want to get along. They want to have fun with each other. Often, we parents are so relieved to have things going well between our children that we don't notice the details of the generous and flexible moments between them. We use the times that go well between them to get our housework or phone calls or schoolwork done.

If you look carefully, you'll see sharing, assistance, and thoughtfulness at moments and in places you hadn't noticed before. Sometimes, these moments of brotherly and sisterly genius take place a split-second before the relationship deteriorates into a tangle. 

In spite of what follows, those few seconds were an effort, and an achievement. Your appreciation of the positive is a help to your children's relationship. “Jacquie, thanks for bringing your sister the brush. Now can you let her do her hair herself?” helps a child feel seen. Her effort to help is real, even if her follow-through leaves something to be desired.

When your child needs you and you can't help right away

When children cry for more closeness, or get upset because you can't help them right away, we have an excellent chance to help them to fully release the sadness they feel. When your older child feels needy, you can send him an invitation to be close. 

A loving look or a tender word, an invitation to come and snuggle your back or sit on your feet or be embraced by your one free arm says, "I want to help" even when you can't.

If your child begins to tantrum or cry, an excellent thing is happening! He's using the offer of closeness that you gave as the sweetness he needed to begin to release his pent-up feelings of upset. Sometimes children "work on" their feelings of helplessness, too, and feel like they can’t walk over to you. 

After they've cried a while, they'll rediscover their ability to walk again, and will have worked through some outdated feelings that were making them whiny and hard to live with.

Crying and tantrums heal the hurt, although by all appearances, your child feels worse than ever while it's happening. If you keep offering loving words and gentle looks while he works his feelings through, he'll feel closer to you and much relieved when he's done, and he won't be blaming his unhappiness on his sibling. His unhappiness will have been scrubbed away by the heartfelt emotional work he just did.

Key to this strategy is your understanding that your love is enough, even when you can't help right away. Your attention during an explosion of feelings (even from the other side of the room) is noticed by your child. Your voice and your eyes will convey your caring, and help to right the wrongs that your child is feeling. 

You are not neglecting him, nor are you causing more pain. While you patiently listen to a crying or tantruming child, you are doing a good job as a parent, and your child is doing a good job of getting rid of the bad feelings he doesn't want to live with.

What about the disputes?

In every family, pesky feelings of frustration and competition for attention and for toys disturb siblings' good intentions sooner or later. When there's a tug-of-war over you, or over a desired thing, you can help your children by listening the feelings through. 

Children can tolerate necessary unfairness (Daddy isn't going to give Sally the hammer because she could easily hurt herself, but Kenny can handle it) as long as the feelings of frustration or insult are heard. Feelings that are listened to all the way through are feelings that evaporate afterward. 

When you listen to crying or frustration, the child lets the awful feeling out, and your attention and caring then flow in. So siblings can get back to loving each other, even when you can't give them the same experiences, or the same amounts, or the same time, or the same toys.

A policy that reduces tension over time

The policy I like best about disputed items is that the child who has the item gets to keep it until he's done. Meanwhile, the parent "helps the other child wait" by making sure he is gently held if he tries to grab. 

The parent listens to the child's upset while he feels like he's never going to get his turn. The crying or tantrum drains the "I'm a victim" feelings, the "I never get what I want" feelings, and the "It isn't fair" feelings that often infect a sibling relationship, and turn it into a real power contest every day. All the parent needs to do is to listen to the feelings, and to keep giving the reassurance that, “You'll get a turn. He won't keep the red bike forever.”

As you'll see, the "unfairness" of Jasmine getting to the puzzle first today will let Jacquie work on her upsets, and Jacquie getting to the swing first tomorrow will let Jasmine work on her upsets. Cry by cry, both children have a chance to have your company and closeness while they work out their upsets about the other. 

Gradually, over time, this helps siblings develop patience and trust that, even if they can't have what they want right now, they are loved and will get a turn later. You have children who love each other, and by listening, you're helping them move big chunks of negative feelings out of the way of that love. The fun will follow.

When both children are pulling hard on the same item, an unusual but very effective strategy is to put your hand on the desired item, too, and say, “I'm sure you can figure out how to share this. I'm not going to let either of you grab it right now. You can figure this out.” 

Lots of crying and heated feelings will follow, and when one or the other child has cried enough to think clearly, a solution will appear. One child will decide to wait, or they'll begin negotiating with each other. It's so difficult to resist clamping a solution onto the problem right away! 

But allowing them to cry hard about their heated wants will make cooperation far more likely. And you won't be required to keep the peace between them, once they've cried enough to come to their own solution.

We adults have been trained to try to solve the dispute quickly so the feelings will subside. It's an emotional challenge for us to take the unusual tack that the feelings are the real issue, not the disputed item. 

When we listen instead of legislating turns, we bring our children some moments to feel loved while they feel sad or angry. This love and reassurance while they are upset sticks with them far longer than the five minutes of (usually defensive) fun with the toy, after which they are tense again over when they will get their next five minutes.

Here's how this can work:

My sons both love music, and have their favorite songs they like to play. One day, I came running when I heard screaming in their playroom. The music was on at a very high volume. I asked what the matter was, and each of them was frantic about the way he wanted the volume. One wanted it high, and the other wanted it low. They were both crying and screaming.

I wasn't sure how to help them, but I decided to see what would happen if they each had their way for a little while. I thought that if they could work out their feelings, then they would be able to come to some kind of agreement. So I said, "I think you can work this out between you. But first, I'm going to let you each see how the other one wants it. Jared, I'm going to turn the volume down, so Derrick has it his way for a little while.” I turned the volume down, and Derrick stopped crying, but Jared cried hard. He wanted me to turn it up immediately! I said, “No, I'll turn it up in a couple of minutes.” But I kept looking at him as lovingly as I could while he cried, so he wouldn't think I was punishing him.

After a few minutes of Jared feeling totally undone, I said to Derrick, OK, now, we're going to try it Jared's way for a few minutes. Here goes!” I turned the volume up. I stayed close and held Derrick while he cried and covered his ears. In my mind, I sided with Derrick, but the volume wasn't so bad that it hurt, so I let it be. Jared stopped crying, of course, and stood there listening intently. After a couple of minutes of Derrick crying and feeling like he couldn't stand the noise, I changed the volume again. I gave my attention to the one who felt awful. I think it took about three turns of two or three minutes each for them to scream and cry. Finally, when I turned the volume down, Jared didn't cry any longer. I asked him, “Is this OK now?” and he said, “Yes.” So I turned it up, and after a bit more of a cry, Derrick stopped and could stand to hear it loud at last. The emotions were taken care of, and I said, “OK, you guys. You can figure out where you want the volume now. You did a good job!” And I didn't have to control the volume any longer. They just fixed it and listened to their tape!

An ounce of prevention

Another important strategy for parents of siblings is to notice what the likely "fight times" are. Sometimes it's car rides, sometimes it's during before-dinner play, and sometimes it's when you've left them in a room together for more than five minutes. You know very well the patterns of upset they've developed.

We parents find ourselves upset and frustrated at our children when they fight, even when we know exactly when they always fight. We are better at keeping a level head if we give up hoping (beyond realistic hope) that a fight won't erupt. 

In a way, our own hopes can be as irrational as our children's fights. When their "gas gauge" is nearing empty, it's time to put in more attention. You are the one who can plump up their capacity for tolerance. They depend on their sense of connection with you for the wellbeing of their relationship with each other.

For instance, if your children traditionally get into trouble with each other right after you bring them home in the evening, try getting down on the floor to play with them right when you walk in the door, to re-establish your connection with each of them. 

You may need to have carrot sticks and peanut butter as car food on the way home, to handle the immediate hunger problem, so that dinner can be cooked after playful connections have been made. 

Games like, "I have ten kisses for each of you" or The Vigorous Snuggle can turn into contests that bring lots of laughter and reassurance after a day of being separated. Sometimes, children will work together to "keep you away," strengthening their bond as the powerful and clever children who can evade the kisses of their bumbling but determined parent.

Here's the story of one father who prepared himself mentally, and the good results he got from the listening he was able to do because he was ready for "trouble."

My son, who is older, and daughter were sitting at the table. It was dinnertime, and my son almost always finds a way to get upset with his sister at dinner! I prepared myself mentally beforehand, telling myself that their fight was going to happen, and that I could intervene without getting angry.

I sat my son right next to my daughter, instead of sitting between them—which I often do to try to keep a fight from happening. We hold hands before a meal, and take a moment to give thanks. So I said, “OK, let's hold hands.” My son immediately protested. I said, as gently as I could. “Come on, hold her hand now.” That's all it took to get them going.

My son said, “Don't force me!” And I said, “I'm not forcing you, but it would be good to hold your sister's hand.” I didn't make him do it, but I didn't give up on the idea that he could do it. He began to cry, and ran from the table. I followed after him into the next room, and he cried, saying that how his sister always hurts him and teases him and kicks him. I kept quiet about the things I know he does to her, and didn't argue at all, just listened to the wrongs he felt.

He cried for a long time. He didn't come back to the table a completely loving brother, but later that night, I heard him talking to her very sweetly, saying, “Do you want me to pick you up? Want me to carry you?” Normally he doesn't want to get physically close to her at all. And as I do more of this listening, I see that they're starting to play together more, and he's hugging her sometimes. It's unbelievable, actually! I'm really excited that things are loosening up between them.

It's a real challenge for us, because we are so tired of their fights and their attitudes toward each other. It's hard to be kind and gentle when the fights begin. But we're getting the payoff, bit by bit.

When one sibling is harsh toward another

Children who touch too roughly, or hug too tightly, or hit or poke or hurt their siblings are sending clear signals that they have some upsets that need to be listened to. Even very young children can be gentle with younger ones, as long as they are feeling "filled up" with attention, and relaxed. 

So any sign of harshness from one sibling to another can be taken as a sign that the child is not feeling connected or relaxed enough to function thoughtfully. When you notice that a child has been rough, scolding him or ordering him to do things correctly won't help. This only frightens your child more, and makes it less likely that he'll be able to act thoughtfully.

What does help is to move in quickly and gently. Very gently but firmly stop the tense child from touching the younger child, but don't remove him. Say, “I'll help you be next to Sammy,” and guide his hands or his kisses so that they land softly, Move so that you can make eye contact with the older child, and invite him kindly to take a look at you. 

Usually, because the child is tense with upset, he can't look at you for long, and when he tries, the upset begins to make him want to go away. Gently stay with him and keep him close, continuing to let him feel your attention and your support. 

Usually, the child will move rather quickly into a tantrum or a big cry about wanting you or not wanting you, or about wanting to touch the baby, or not wanting the baby. All those feelings are important facets of the nugget of upset he's trying to offload. If you stay with him, without criticism, he'll be able to cry or tantrum it through.

When our children hurt each other, we need help ourselves

Seeing one sibling hurt another is one of the most trying times in our lives as parents. It makes us feel like we aren’t succeeding at the really important part of parenting. And often, it sets us up to be harsh toward the child who did the hurting, even though we love that child deeply. 

Sometimes, when the hurting has become frequent, almost habitual, sibling troubles infect the way all the members of the family feel all of the time. As hard as these times are for us, we need to keep the perspective that they happen in just about every family. 

Perhaps we’ll come to a time in human history when life is so gentle that sibling aggression is rarer, but we’re not there yet.

One difficulty we have in finding good ways out of sibling tangles, little or big, is that we parents generally haven’t seen parents handle sibling difficulties without harshness. 

It feels like harshness is necessary, even justified, to get the aggression to stop. But if we reason things through, it’s hard to see how harshness from a grownup could beget love and tenderness between children. There must be a better answer.

And there is, but it’s not easy. I think the most effective answer lies off the beaten path of a parent’s life. Since it works so well, here goes.

When our children begin to fight and it creates upset in the family, it’s time for the parent looking for a solution to find a listener. Parents with fighting siblings get upset. Upset people don’t solve people problems well. 

We have to be able to win the hearts of our children back to us, before they can love each other well again. And to win a child’s heart, a grownup needs to shed his doubts about the goodness of the child. When our children fight, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that they are good children. 

When they fight, at least one of them is experiencing a blackout in his thinking. He hasn’t stopped being a good person, he’s just stopped thinking. It happens to us every day too. For example, when our children fight, we often stop thinking.

So a good first move is to find someone who can, without interruption, judgment, or advice, listen to you talk about the child who gets lost in upset. 

Some of the things to talk about are: 
What was it like for you and that child when he was born? 
When he was an infant? 
What was the last time you really felt close to him? Enjoyed him? 
What do you feel like doing when he hurts his sibling? What do you do? 
What would have happened to you if you had acted like he does when you were a child? 
What do you worry about? 
What hurts you or angers you when you see your children fighting?

Telling someone about each of these threads of experience and feeling will help. If you can show some of the feelings that arise, all the better. The feelings are sitting there, waiting for release.

Sometimes, it helps to talk about the situation several times. Don’ make your children listen to the stories you have. They are best saved for other adults.

When hurt has already happened

When you haven’t been able to get to your children in time to prevent blows from falling, you usually have one who is hurt and crying, and one who seems remote, uncaring, and defensive. And, truth be told, you usually have at least one really angry parent on hand, too! 

First, make sure no more harm can come. Separate the warring parties, so kicks can’t land and pinches flail in the air. You don’t have to move them into separate rooms, just put a foot or two of space between them.

Second, odd as it may seem, apologize. “I’m sorry I didn’t get here sooner. I didn’t know you were getting upset,” goes a long way toward thawing out the child who did the hurting. 

When a child has hurt someone, he feels very badly about himself. But this doesn’t show at all—externally, this child is cool. He may say he doesn’t care, and he tries to mean it.

But actually, children don’t really want to hurt anyone. They are as mystified as you are about what makes them do these things. They feel guilty, and guilt paves over a person’s ability to feel anything. Guilt is like a heavy cement cover on the sadness and fears underneath the surface. 

When you apologize for not getting there in time to prevent harm, it helps move the guilt away from the aggressor child. With less guilt sitting on him, he'll be able to cry with you much sooner about the underlying feelings that drove him toward such hurtful behavior.

Your child is good

Sooner or later, every child with siblings gets upset with his brother or sister. But try to keep a good perspective: even when consumed with big feelings, your child is good. He's signaling you for help as clearly and as vigorously as he knows how. 

You may need some listening time from another adult to remember his goodness. Once your own upset isn't throbbing, you'll again be able to spend one-on-one time with him, a good first step toward healing his aching heart.

How To Hold a Family Meeting

by Alyssa Chirco

http://parentingsquad.com

No matter how much you love them, family can be a source of tremendous conflict. It can be difficult to coordinate the changing needs and schedules of every family member, and it can be downright impossible to make everyone happy. If you're struggling to keep your family organized and the lines of communication open, regular family meetings might be the key.

What Is a Family Meeting?

A family meeting can be whatever you want to make of it. In general, regular family meetings provide a time when all members of the family come together to share, discuss, problem-solve, and, most importantly, communicate. Some families choose to hold structured and formal meetings with very specific rules, while others are far more flexible and relaxed. What your family meetings look like will depend largely on your family, and what works for you and your lifestyle.

Why Hold a Family Meeting?

There are many benefits to holding regular family meetings. For example, family meetings can serve to:

▪                keep the lines of communication open

▪                foster a greater sense of responsibility within children

▪                diffuse sibling rivalry

▪                encourage discussion and cooperation

▪                build family unity

▪                develop listening and positive communication skills

By holding regular family meetings, you create space in your lives where you will be able to discuss any issue that confronts your family. Whether it's something as small as a squabble over who will do the dishes or as large as a death or divorce, you know you will have time to address it as a family. In addition, parents will routinely be able to touch base with their children and listen to their concerns, and children will have the opportunity to have their voice heard by their parents and siblings.

Tips For Getting Started

Once you've decided to start holding family meetings, there are a few things you should think about.

1. Set rules

If you have young children, mom and dad will probably set the rules. But if you have older children, you might consider giving them some input into how the meeting will go. Some families choose a round-robin style, where every family member gets a turn to talk about their week, express their grievances, and offer their opinions. Other families prefer to make a list of pressing family issues and concerns, and talk about them openly as they proceed down the list.

You'll also want to consider who will lead the meetings. It can be fun, particularly for younger children, to take turns and give each family member an opportunity to be in charge.

2. Decide your goals

Why are you holding family meetings? Is it just a way to check in and let everybody share details of their week? Will your meetings be primarily for coordinating schedules? Are there lots of arguments in your home that will require conflict resolution? Once you know what you're hoping to accomplish, it will be easier to frame your family meetings accordingly.

3. Set a regular time and place

In the beginning, it's a good idea to have weekly family meetings. This way, the meetings become a familiar part of your family's routine. Maybe Friday night in the family room after dinner works best for your family, or maybe you have teens who cringe at the thought of spending Friday night with their parents. Try to accomodate everybody if you can. If nothing else, consider having a family meeting in the car. Hey, you've got them all in the same place!

4. Determine your decision-making process

How you choose to make decisions will probably depend on the way your household generally runs. If you're comfortable with democracy, family meetings can be a great place for kids to learn first-hand how it works. But many parents find that they prefer to make decisions by consensus rather than by simple majority vote. This way, the children can't outnumber the adults, and mom and dad maintain their right to the final say.

5. Make it fun

Family meetings shouldn't be boring or something for anyone to dread. Make them special by popping popcorn or serving some special treats. Encourage a positive atmosphere where no yelling is allowed and every person and every idea and suggestion is treated with respect.

What To Talk About

Once you've determined the logistics, you'll want to start thinking about the issues that need to be addressed at your family meetings. You'll probably want to include time to discuss many or all of the following:

▪                announcements

▪                positive recogition

▪                complaints and conflict resolution

▪                the family budget/allowance

▪                rules and chores

▪                plans for upcoming events (vacations, birthdays, etc.)

▪                scheduling and logistics

One of the best ways to plan your family meetings is by taping a piece of paper marked "agenda" to your refrigerator or family work space at the beginning of the week. As the week progresses, any family member can add any issue or complaint that they think of to the agenda.

When it's time for the family meeting, use your agenda to get discussion started. You can also draw from the categories above. Some families even include discussions of hot topics at their family meetings. (I'm thinking politics or current events here, not Lindsay Lohan.)

Helpful Hints

In order to ensure that your family meetings are a success, there are a few things you should remember. It's important to eliminate distractions, so turn off the TV and don't allow phone calls or texting. Keep the meetings short (20-30 minutes is long enough), and make attendance by all family members a priority. Most importantly, be flexible. If you find that your family meetings are unproductive, try a new approach. Every family is different, so every family meeting will be unique. It may take some time to figure out what style works best for you.

10 Tips For Raising Happy Parents

by Julianne Idleman

handinhandparenting.org

It’s no secret that parenting well is a complex art form and each of us brings our own unique style and beliefs into the day to day raising of the children in our lives. But here are ten ways of thinking about your parenting career that can help, no matter what your style or the current age of your “baby”.

1. Your work as a parent needs and deserves lots of support from family, friends, neighbors, employers and the greater community around you. Your children need other caring adults in their lives and you need and deserve respect, rest, and relaxation.

2. Parenting can be especially difficult in the same areas where you faced challenges in your own childhood. It’s not fair, but science demonstrates it again and again. The spots in your growing-up that were rough are likely to be hard on you when your children go through similar things. You need and deserve special support and a caring listener as you face these challenges together with your children.

3. Paying careful attention to your past or present challenges improves your relationships with your children. The fascinating research on the Adult Attachment Interview conducted over the last several decades demonstrates how helping parents understand their own personal histories creates better attachment relationships in their children. You can help another parent—and their whole family—whenever you can take the time to carefully listen to their struggles, and they can help you in the same way.

4. Crying is good, normal and healthy. Crying is communication. Crying and upset are part of a normal cycle of stress reduction. Tears are composed of stress hormones that are literally being washed out of your body as you cry. Children who are allowed to cry with the loving support of an adult complete this natural cycle and return to clear thinking and cooperative action quickly with improved ability to solve problems.

5. Tantrums are healthy and healing. I know this one may take some time to get your mind around, but here’s the thing—when you cultivate a relationship with your child that allows for acceptance of all feelings, even though you obviously can’t accept all behavior, you increase your child’s emotional intelligence, resilience and self-acceptance.

6. Limits should be set early, at the first whiff of off-track behavior. Before you are aggravated, before the kids are “driving you nuts,” you can bring your limits.

7. Limits can be set gently, warmly, even playfully. You are in charge of the rules, but you don’t have to wait until you are angry to set a limit. You don’t have to use a stern voice, threaten or intimidate. Children want good relationships with the adults who care for them. Your children want to be with you, to laugh and enjoy your time together, to cooperate, play, and have fun.

8. Time-Out promotes disconnection, encourages emotional repression and damages relationships. Solitary confinement is a punishment for a reason. Human beings are not built to go it alone, especially in times of emotional upset.

9. Spanking produces negative long-term results for both children and parents. If you’ve ever been hit, you know this. But don’t take my word for it, ask your pediatrician.

10. Paying thoughtful attention as children express their authentic emotional experience is the best way to support their development and growing emotional intelligence. You don’t even need to understand the reason behind an upset or an unworkable behavior in order to help a child with the underlying feelings. Children are smart. They will figure out what they need to express, share it, and go on about their business lighter, happier, and with a stronger trust in their relationship with you.

7 Things Working Moms Can Do With Their Kids

By Erin A. Kurt

The one thing working moms have in common is that they're busy ladies with a lot on their plate. The second thing they have in common is that they feel guilty a lot of the time. One of the main sources of that guilt comes from the feeling that they don't have time to spend quality moments with their children; "life is just a race" moms tell me.

A very important thing for working mothers to understand is that it doesn't take much to satisfy their child's need for attention, and if just a few things are put into place, they can be guaranteed that they are giving their child all they need to.

What are those things?

Well, we all know that children need focused attention in order to feel loved. And, if they feel this focused attention on a regular basis, they are better behaved and happier kids to be around. The point then is to create moments of focused attention.

1.              Create a ritual. The definition of a ritual is: a series of actions regularly and invariably followed    by someone. With this in mind try to think of what small ritual you can create with your children that can happen everyday, without fail. Perhaps each morning you and your children light a candle (or turn on battery operated ones) at the breakfast table and you share your intention for the day. Perhaps you do and say certain things each night at bedtime. Whatever it is, keep it simple; the more simple, the more impact it has.

Here are seven ways working moms can give their child focused attention when they have little time to give:

2.              Schedule one-on-one time. Working moms need to be organized. Carry this organization through to spending one-on-one time with each of your children once a month. Brainstorm activities you and your child would like to do together then once a month pull one of those ideas and schedule it on your calendar. It doesn't have to be long; 30-60 minutes is all it will take. (Children who I surveyed told me this!)

3.              Plan a theme night. This is one of my favourite things to do. Choose a country and plan a family evening around the theme of this country. For example, if you choose Japan, your family can brainstorm costumes, music, dishes to cook, movies to watch, etc. Plan these theme nights every 4-6 months and just watch the bonding that occurs!

4.              Make reading together YOUR thing. What could you do to make reading a special event between you and your children? Could youread a chapter book out loud each night for 15-20 mins after dinner? Could you cuddle in bed each night and read them a story? Could you make up a story each night or save this for Sunday night?

5.              Bake on the weekend. Get a great cookbook (choose it together) and bake one thing each weekend from the book. Think, "Julie and Julia", the movie with Meryl Streep. How exciting would it be to bake through a cookbook (baking book) and experiment together?

6.              Make grocery shopping YOUR thing. Create a tradition that after the weekly grocery shop you all go for a hot chocolate or special drink.

7.              Go to the Library. Create a special tradition around the Library.How about Friday after the school pick being your time to go hang out at the library and collect books? Or, does your library have weekend reading, rhyme or story times? Be sure that your kids choose their books first so that they have something to look at as they respectfully give you time to browse.

As you can see, all of my ideas are based around keeping things slow, simple and meaningful. You don't have to have all the time in the world to spend with your kids, it's just about making the time you DO have, count.

Erin Kurt, B.Ed, spent 16 years as a teacher and nanny around the world. Now, she applies her expertise as a parenting expert and author of Juggling Family Life and The Life Balance Formula. 
You can learn more about Erin and her simple, loving parenting method, and subscribe to her weekly parenting tips e-zine at erinparenting.com. You'll also receive Erin's free video series "8 Secrets to Stress-Free Parenting", packed with parentings tips!

Preparation Tips for Delivery Day

by Alan Cassidy

Bringing a new baby into the world may seem daunting, especially for first time parents. While parents welcoming their second –third or fourth – baby know how to prepare for delivery day, first time parents may be unfamiliar with what to expect and how to prepare. Therefore, it’s important to give first time parents an idea of what to expect before and during delivery.

Before Delivery

The first thing moms and dads need to do is pack a hospital bag and have it ready to go at a moment’s notice. A full term pregnancy occurs at 37 weeks, which is a good time to get that bag packed, even though the baby’s due date is often more than 3 weeks away; some babies come earlier and it is better to be overly prepared than not prepared enough. Doctors, hospitals and parenting information books have checklists of what to pack for the hospital for the entire family.

The Day of Delivery

On the day of delivery parents need to time labor contractions and write down how long each one lasted, what time it started and what time the next one started.  Once a pattern is noticed, the contractions happen closer together and the pain is becoming greater, it is time to call the doctor and head to the hospital. Breathing techniques learned in child birthing classes can come in handy at this time and should be used on the drive to the hospital. In addition, parents should make a final decision as to what to do regarding the baby’s cord blood. Cord blood banking is the process of collecting removing blood the left over blood in the baby’s umbilical cord and storing it for potential future medical use later in life.

Expecting the Unexpected

When a woman envisions her moment of going into labor, it goes something like this: she wakes up in the middle of the night with contractions, excitedly tells her husband it is time and rides off into the sunrise to have her baby. However, labor is usually unexpected and every family needs to plan for the unexpected, such as what to do if mom goes into labor at the store or when her husband is at work or when she cannot get a hold of him on the phone. A back up plan to get to the hospital is mandatory.

Childbirth should not be something women fear because of the unknown; it is an exciting, positive and wonderful day for all new parents. Having a little pre-planning in motion only makes it easier and more enjoyable for all.

This article was written by Alan Cassidy, an active writer within the blogging community covering maternity and childbirth, and always advocating for infant and children’s health. Connect with him on Twitter @ACassidy22

"Sometimes I Don't Like My Child." Great Article

I found this great article and had to share it. I feel like this too often. It is written by Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC  from empoweringparents.com 

It’s a truth we don’t often admit, even to ourselves: we don’t always like our kids. I can hear the guilt in parents’ voices when they say, “Sometimes I really don’t like my child. He’s a pain, he argues with me all the time and he’s just not fun to be around.” Or maybe your child just isn’t the person you thought he would be: perhaps he’s not academic or outgoing enough, or maybe he likes to complain and is very negative. It’s important to accept the fact that you won’t always like your kids—and they won’t always like you. This is especially hard for parents of difficult, acting out kids to grapple with. But the fact is, you’re on your way to less guilt and a better relationship with your child when you can acknowledge your feelings.

You can’t change a tiger into a leopard; these are your child’s stripes.

I’m very empathetic to parents in this situation because I recognize how painful it is. It’s important not to feel guilty about it because we all have expectations of what our children will be like, and it can be very painful when they’re not what we expected. You feel let down, and then you feel guilty for feeling that way. But remember, as James Lehman says, you have to learn to “Parent the child you have, not the child you wish you had.” Facing the truth is always an important first step.

The first thing to do is ask yourself, “What am I feeling and why?” Take a minute to pause, step back and think about it for a moment. Maybe you don’t like her because she’s so different from you. Maybe you don’t always like your child because she acts out, is defiant and oppositional and causes havoc in your home. Maybe her behavior is stressing you out and wearing you down and causing friction between you and your spouse. All understandable reasons to feel dislike towards your child. Why would you like someone who treats you poorly, is contrary or behaves in obnoxious ways?

But if you look closely, disliking your child is more about you than about her because these are your feelings—your reactions—to her. And in turn, those reactions may even contribute to your child’s unlikeable behaviors. That’s the good news, since the only person you can change is yourself anyway. Here are a few things that you can do to build the relationship and like your child at least most of the time.

Face your feelings: Acknowledge and accept your feelings. Don’t push them away because you think it’s bad or wrong to dislike your child. You don’t have to like your truth; you just have to own it.

Find the cause: Recognize what’s causing you to dislike your child. If it’s because he’s different from you or because he’s not how you want him to be, then manage your own expectations. Accept your child for who he is and pay attention to his strengths, rather than focusing on what you think are his weaknesses. Remember, it's very easy to forget that it's the behavior you don't like, not the whole person.

Get to know your child better: Get to know who your child is and what he needs; find out what really makes him tick, rather than who you want him to be. Your child can read it if you are disappointed in him; his acting out and negative feelings towards you may even increase because of it.

Are there contributing factors? If you’re feeling dislike because of your child’s defiant behavior, is there any way you or others in your family are contributing to his behavior. Is he acting out other unresolved issues?

Ask yourself the following questions, and answer them honestly:

•               Could your child be behaving poorly as a way to keep you and your spouse engaged with each other by focusing on a “problem child”?

•               Is his behavior poor because no one is holding him accountable?

•               Is he overly or underly focused upon in the family?

•               Does he have too much power because you allow yourself to be intimidated by him? Do you always give in or never give in?

•               Is your relationship with him defined around problems instead of just enjoying each other?

•               Are your frustrations and unresolved issues with your own parents intensifying your reactions and actions with your child?

•               Is your child somehow getting caught between your difficulties with your mate?

The importance of playfulness: Bring more playfulness and less seriousness to your interactions. Recognize that your child may be a problem, but he is not the problem: your interactions have been the problem. You’re a part of that, too, so stay focused on changing your role in the dance. Make special dates and times together. Listen to him—really listen. Accept him for who he is. Be yourself with him. Let him know your preferences, beliefs and values. Love him and stop worrying about him so much. And remember, loving him also means holding him accountable.

Anger creates reactivity: Remember that your anger and resentment about feeling disappointed in your child creates more judgments and reactivity. Stop reacting and start responding more thoughtfully and positively. Power struggles often happen when you try to change someone else into who you think they should be. Just let go of the rope in that tug-of-war you're in with your child. Don’t always try to get the last word or prove you’re right. Admit to your mistakes and struggles.

Maximize the positives and minimize the negatives: You can start focusing on what’s right––not wrong––with your child today and begin building on what is good. Having a positive mindset leads to more positives. Build your relationship by letting your child know what you appreciate about him daily. Ask him to help you in things he’s strong in, so you build on his strengths. Spend time together without discussing the problem.

Commit to not criticizing him or trying to change him. One of the things I do is I actually get up in the morning and I really say, “Okay, not one criticism can come out of my mouth today.” I actually have to make that a very conscious thought and activity. It’s so automatic for some of us. And so half the time I really don’t even know when I’m saying something negative. So make a conscious effort.

I think about the concept of appreciation or gratefulness as well, because sometimes I just take so much for granted. After all, in the heat of the moment, it's easy to only see the negatives. But try to find the positives; notice when your child does something well. The more you look through positive lenses, the more you'll appreciate what's in front of you. Point out your child's strengths and describe what you see. For example, you can say, “You looked like you were about to scream at your brother, but I noticed how you pulled yourself together and walked away. How did you do that? That was impressive.” So point out a very specific behavior and move it to positive instead of somehow making it into a negative.

Focus on your reactions: Get more focused on yourself than on your child in order to build and improve your relationship with him. Decide how you want to behave with him, no matter how he behaves with you.

When There’s a Personality Clash with Your Child

What if your personalities simply clash? Maybe your child is not a friend you would have chosen. Perhaps you're too different or too similar. But look at it this way: You might not like your boss, but you still have to find a way to get along with her. Problems start when you carry around a lot of disappointment about somebody and try to change them in some way or another. That's when that negative cycle—that push–pull—begins.

If you decide you want to change how you’ve been reacting, stating it can sometimes be good. You can take responsibility for how you’ve been feeling and dealing with your child up until now and even apologize for some of the ways that you’ve responded to things. Show that you really see and understand it and that you’re working on doing a better job. Kids really appreciate that. I think it’s worthwhile to talk to your teen or child and say something like, “It’s really important to me for us to get along. And I recognize that I haven’t been so easy on you. I recognize that I can be too hard on you sometimes (or whatever the case may be) and I just want you to know that I apologize for my part in it. I’m really working on it.” Leave it at that, and don’t add, “And I hope you do too.”

Just own your part in it. I know it’s very hard for parents to apologize for their part when they really see it as their kids being bratty and obnoxious. And maybe your child is being obnoxious, but don't wait for him to change. Instead, take responsibility to make those interactions different.

You can’t change a tiger into a leopard; these are your child’s stripes. Now get to know him, appreciate him and enjoy his good qualities. Deal with your own issues and anxiety around it. If you absolutely can’t get over it, seek out therapy. Get to the bottom of what’s really bothering you and try to understand and manage your emotions. If you can calm down and come to terms with who your child is–and accept him and not try to change or fix him–then you'll be able to relax. Here's the paradox: if your child can feel deeply accepted for who he is, warts and all, he'll be able to look at himself and change what he isn't satisfied with. That’s when your child can feel good inside of himself–and blossom into the person he’s meant to be.