Defiant Children and POWER STRUGGLES!

By Shannon N Anderson

Do you have a defiant child? Do you feel like no matter what you tell your child to do, your child won't follow through with requests? One key to managing your defiant child is to END THE POWER STRUGGLE! In fact, make a commitment to end the power struggle today! Everything doesn't have to be a fight. Some things are just not worth the battle. So many parents get wrapped up in the idea that their child must be MADE to listen to them-that every time their child disobeys them, then the child must be punished. I'm here to tell you that managing your child's behavior isn't about disciplining every single thing your child does wrong. Instead, it's about having a parenting plan that will change your child's behavior over time.

Here are some guidelines to get you started managing your defiant child:

*Start tracking. For a week or so, jot down in a notebook everything you and your child fight over and when these fights occur.

*Categorize the data you collected and look for patterns. Do you fight with your child frequently over bed time? Is your child more defiant when it comes to what they wear or what they eat?

*Rate the defiant behaviors in order of most important to address to least important to address.

*Focus your discipline of your defiant child on the behaviors you feel are most important to address, and let the other ones go for now. This is where you begin to end the power struggles with your child. It's far more important to get your child to stop hitting his sibling than it is to have him make his bed daily. End the power struggle over the bed and focus on disciplining the hitting behavior at first.

As a parent you can't fight your defiant child all of the time on every misbehavior that he or she engages in. If you try, your life will be a constant battle, you'll be exhausted, and your child will never learn to respect you. Learn to let some things go, for now at least. Focus on what is most important. Fix those things and the other smaller problem behaviors will begin to fix themselves over time. Remember changing your defiant child's behavior won't happen overnight. It likely took many months or even years for your child to develop these habits and behaviors and it will take several months of hard, focused work on your part as the parent to undo them. But remember, the longest journey starts with a single step! Get started today and in a few months your child's defiant behaviors will most certainly be diminished and you will be a much happier parent in the process.

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FORECAST - Crazy Kids

When I used to work at schools and in Sunday school for church. I used to deal with these boys that were totally obnoxious and I used to think I will NEVER have a child like that.  That is until my boy came along and turned 4. Please do not get me wrong. He is a good boy. He is a complete sweetheart. But OH MY GOODNESS does he have the most energy ever. My couch cushions get a daily beating. He climbs the walls, literally. He knows what annoys you and likes to push your buttons and laughs every bit of the way.

My 7 month old is my favorite right now. She is excited to see me when I get home from work. She doesn’t yell at me, well except for if I am not feeding her fast enough. I have never heard a baby scream like that. Although even she is going through a faze of not wanting to sleep EVER! And I swear, my oldest is 6 going on 16. She has the total teenager attitude and is so bossy. I often wonder if she is like this now what am I in for in 10 years. She is so dramatic, everything is a big deal. I always pictured myself enjoying parenthood but lately not so much. I am tired and worn out. It is three against one. The one thing that gives me hope is all the comments I read on a recent blog post from one of my favorite blogs to read. Scary Mommy, she posted her kids were driving her crazy and there was about 50 comments from moms saying the same thing. So hopefully it is something in the air, the stars or whatever and this will pass. 

Ten tips to Successful Parenting

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Article from positiveparenting.com
It is important that we discipline in a way that teaches responsibility by motivating our children internally, to build their self-esteem and make them feel loved. If our children are disciplined in this respect, they will not have a need to turn to gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or belong.
The following ten tips will help parents use methods that have been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and security.
1 - Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)
Your child's self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us. If we don't give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child's mind is better than being ignored.
It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you, "Mommy, you never spend time with me" (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, "Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together."
2 - Use Action, Not Words
Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance requests a day! No wonder our children become "parent deaf!" Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, "What action could I take?" For example, if you have nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.
3 - Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful
If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook all our part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.
4 - Use Natural Consequences
Ask yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this situation? If we interfere when we don't need to, we rob children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much. For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don't bring it to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of remembering.
5 - Use Logical Consequences
Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.
6 - Withdraw from Conflict
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to "Try again." Do not leave in anger or defeat.
7 - Seperate the Deed from the Doer
Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn't that you don't like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's self-esteem?
8 - Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time
Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn't dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up and take her to the car. She has been told she can either get dressed either in the car or at school. Make sure that you are loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?
9 - Parent with the End in Mind
Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under control as soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered. But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will learn to use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.
10 - Be Consistent, Follow Through
If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas, tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.
This document is produced by the International Network for Children and Families and the 350 instructors of the "Redirecting Children's Behavior" course.

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