Friday, June 4, 2010

Constant Thoughts

So often I find my mind going in a million directions. I have so many ideas of topics I would like to write about. Often these ideas come to me while I am lying in bed at 2 am in the morning trying to go to sleep. I think to myself I will remember that. What I need to do is keep a notebook next to my bed so that I can jot these things down.  Do you ever find yourself driving and get to your destination and wonder how in the heck did you get there?, because you were just so deep in thought. My brain never shuts off. It is constantly going. If I were talking out loud I swear someone would probably think I was crazy. Just going off in a million directions thinking about one thing that all of a sudden leads to another thing. Being a mom you are constantly thinking about the kids. The things you have to do with them, get done with them, whether or not you are being a good enough mom to them, are spending enough time with them. I sometimes have very little patience. (Something I really am working on) I often end up saying things I end up regretting and end up being really sad and beating myself up over. I do not want my kids to be unhappy. I do not want to yell at them. But for some reason this little twinge happens in my brain and another person comes out of me. Evil mommy. My son likes to egg evil mommy on. I get horrible headaches, almost daily. When I have these headaches whining makes them worse, so then evil mommy comes out more, then there is sad mommy, then regrets mommy. It seems to be an endless cycle. Then I spend a lot of time thinking if I have been a good mom that day and if I have said anything or if my actions that day have permanently damaged my little children.  

I love, love, love being a mom. It goes by so fast. I remember when my first was born, almost 7 years ago, people would tell me to enjoy every moment of it because it goes by way to fast. It really truly does. That is one piece of advice I would really tell moms to not take for granted. It is the hardest thing not to do. Life does not stand still it keeps going. Time cannot be stopped. Children keep on growing. Every minute they are another minute older. It is a heartbreaking fact. As much as I would like to turn back time and change certain events and make things better I can’t, all I can do is make the future better. I can’t help but stop and stare at my kids some times and admire the little being they have become. The little individual personalities they each have, the little smiles I receive and the love and happiness that dwell inside of them. It makes EVERY part of motherhood worth it.

Lots of times I find myself just watching them sleep. I still to this day cannot go to sleep till they are all asleep. I check and make sure they are all asleep soundly. I get out of bed a million times to check on them. They are so precious.

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